I have been 'blessed' to have some awakenings in self awareness this weekend. Admittedly, it has been a very tough few weeks for me and the foundation of my stress/sadness/not-quite-in-synch-with-the world was stemming from the loss of two grandparents. It seems, that often times when there are things going on in my life that are bad, I immediately start 'recognizing' all of the other things that are 'bad' in my life. And soon, even if the shampoo falls in the shower, my mind jumps to 'why me? this stuff ALWAYS happens to me.'
I have been living in that mode for the last few weeks, feeling a bit sorry for myself and anticipating more 'bad' luck coming my way. Friday night was the icing on the cake. I went to dinner in a very nice part of town and parked right on the main street. I returned from dinner, only to find my window smashed out- laptop, bag & wallet stolen. (I can feel some of my girlfriends rolling their eyes and asking WHY the bag was in the front seat). The answer is, I didn't think that anyone would be bold enough to break a window and steal my bag in this part of town (lesson learned).
Regardless, at the moment when I realized what had happened to my car, I had the feeling of "I can't take this anymore, the bad luck won't stop coming my way"---and I immediately followed that up with lots of tears. It was the end of my rope! It was also the kick in the butt I needed to realize that I was anticipating and looking for bad things in my life, instead of being really thankful for all the wonderful things that are part of my life!
I woke up Saturday morning, to realize that everything I had on my 'to do' list wasn't going to get done- instead I would spend the morning dealing with banks and glass replacement. I was talking on the phone to my friend Jeanne, rattling off all of the things I HAD to get done, and she said to me "take a moment to get centered, think about what you want/need to do and do those things." It was exactly what I needed to hear. Everything on my list of 'to do' were things that I was going to do out of obligation, but they certainly were not things I wanted to do. So, I took Jeanne's advice. I took a nap, I took a walk, I drank coffee, and made dinner with friends. Those are the thing I wanted/needed and guess what? I felt more 'centered' doing those things, then I would have doing anything else.
I have been operating in a 'people pleasing' mode for most of my life. And although I love that as one of my personality traits, it can also be draining when I don't take the time to truly do the things I want and need to do. It is those times that I start looking for all of the 'negative' to come my way, because I'm not giving my soul 'time off' from making sure that everyone else is okay and happy. In essence, I'm not giving my soul time to heal from the stress it is going through.
On Sunday morning I was going to a get-together and had committed to bringing mini- quiche. Actually, I had volunteered---no one ask me to bring food, nor was anyone else bringing food, and the host had said several times 'you don't need to bring anything.' But in typical Lindsay fashion, I insisted on bringing something. The people-pleaser Lindsay made up in my head that it would make the host 'happy' if I came with a dish. At some point on Saturday, I realized I didn't want to make the quiche, so I didn't make it. In fact, I didn't even call to say that I wasn't bringing quiche. I just showed up without. And guess what? The world still turned.....the party still happened......and people were still happy.....even though I didn't make quiche.
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