Time moves slowly sometimes....

Today marked that day that my dad has been gone for 5 months. To be honest, it feels like so much longer. I've said this from the beginning, but I feel like I aged immediately when my dad passed away--and when I think about him only being gone for 5 months....it feels like so much more time has passed. I'm not sure why.

I miss him everyday and always in interesting ways. On Saturday, I was at the Farmers Market and saw that they were selling chard. Not only did my dad grow chard, but he also cooked chard very well- and made what could be a disgusting vegetable taste delicious! As soon as I went up to purchase the chard, the tears started to fall. Grief is so weird.

Tonight as a small celebration of my dad, I cooked the chard for dinner. As I began to cut the chard and prepare it, tears fell again. I have SUCH few regrets about my relationship with my dad, that when one tiny regret comes up, it feels huge on my heart. I wished I would have listened and watched the number of times that my dad cooked chard- because as I began to cut it, I realized...I wanted to cook it EXACTLY how he did...and I had NO idea how to do that. So, I cried and cooked it in butter and garlic.

Being laid off has been wonderful for many reasons, but primarily because I have been able to grieve how and when I want. I spent some time last week making a scrapbook of items that I received or collected around the funeral, letters pepole sent, cards etc. It isn't anything fancy--but became a project that was part of my healing. It was great to be able to put down everything and spend an entire day making the book....that is the true gift of time that came with being laid off.

I have huge reservations/anxiety about Father's Day coming up. I'm heading home to Portland to be with my family, and only wish that I had gone home for more Father's Day's prior to this one. Another small regret in an amazingly fulfilled relationship with my dad....and for that I am grateful.